It's Not Okay. And I'll Be Alright

I really wanted to be pregnant. Seylah's Birthday. Holidays. Yes Days. No Go Tell. Falling down. Ancestors. Unsents. Stress. Hormones. Fundraising. Lists and so much love.

Seylah turned 8 years old yesterday. And fell. Really hard.

She decided she didn’t want a birthday party this year. Instead, she wants a Yes Day - a day where we have to say yes to everything she asks to do. She has a long list of things she wants to do on this day, which will happen tomorrow, including: work with clay at Ceramics in the City (we have a table for four), go to a cabin, snowshoe, cut down our Xmas tree, go see ICE at the Gaylord, Cozy Movie Night and Urban Air….and much more.

And. I realize yesterday she already had a yes day! She wanted to have a cookie cake with her class, so we did that. Then she wanted to go to Casa Bonita with her family, so we did that. She got a lot of presents (I think her favorite is her kitty reading light) and Rice Krispie treats and decorations and balloons and presents on time and late from Amazon, and I feel like I just produced a wedding.

I keep being told by doctors that the only issues are: my hormones and my stress levels. “If you cant change your life you should take an SSRI.”Change my life? Like, not be a woman and mom and grieving daughter working in this world on fire?

I asked Saxon if I’ll ever stop being stressed. He said, “Probably not. At least not this year.”

I’m writing this at the hospital cafeteria where the turkey burger is strangely delicious. I just had another ultrasound to make sure the pain isn’t something bad. It’s not. It’s just hormones, which impact thoughts, which impact feelings, which impact decisions and behavior, which impact my family.

They did a pregnancy test just in case. I knew it was a long shot, but I got excited. I wanted to be pregnant. So badly. I wanted an excuse to rest, to be cared for. I wanted the thing inside of me to be life, to be good news, but it’s just loss, just change. After numerous attempts at balancing hormones I’m going back on the birth control pill because without estrogen you don’t bleed but somehow still have all the PMS. Fun times! It’s ok. I’m healthy. It was fun to think about the 3rd baby for a little while…

The stress is real though. We launched our non-profit, Three Things, and I’m learning a whole new world of fiscal sponsorship, grant writing, funding, applications, deadlines, processes, programs and fees and hiccups and passwords and more. It’s a balancing act with income and energy and writing and marriage and mothering and maybe home school and substitute teaching to make ends meet and oh yeah! Giving Tuesday! We had no idea.

So - we’re learning how to send a mass email using new technology and re-writing pitch language and fixing links, yesterday, on Seylah’s 8th birthday. It was not done before I had to be at the school for her cookie cake party, so we had to finish before we went to Casa Bonita. And yes. We were late.

We got to the restaurant 22 minutes late, to be exact. After I’ve been emailing and calling them frantically in the car we finally get there and — “RUN! Get out of the car quick quick!” Seylah has her cute shorts on and she’s holding her butterfly costume and has her Beyonce party hat on and black boots and I say, “Watch out don’t fall it’s tricky right here!” And then we run and then BOOM. She falls so hard. Concrete. Bloody knees. My baby. I’m rushing her. We’re late. Trying to be such a good mom.

Can you be a deeply committed good parent and a good business person at the same time? I haven’t found that to be possible, yet. I’m excited to figure that one out!

Seylah is on the concrete in front of Casa Bonita. She’s crying and trying not to and I’m trying to love on her and be her mom but also, “GET UP! We have to go! I’ll clean you up inside! Come on baby.” Nya is hugging her big sister as Seylah’s hobbling along trying to walk and, yeah. I’m ashamed. I should have just held her and let her sit there as long as she needed.

Forgive me, Sey, for rushing you, which only happens because we are always late. I am always late. I have a problem. Forgive me Saxon, for giving you so much anxiety when I’m late.

Of course the restaurant lets us in. They give us a special table for the birthday girl by the volcano. The security guard is very tall and kind and gives her first aid. She’s ok. I apologize. Burst into tears. Happy tears. Loving tears. We cheers to Seylah, she says, “To good adventures, not bad ones, like me falling. I didn’t like that one.”

My mom would have loved this place. Another milestone where there’s an empty seat at the table. A vacancy. She would have helped me get the gifts to Seylah on time from Amazon. My mom loved the holidays. And she loved Seylah so much. “That girl is something special, I tell you. She’s brilliant. Watch, she’s going to soar. Maybe an engineer? Or President.”

I want to reminisce about my mother, so I will! She was awesome. She loved South Park. She had a fart app! She was beautiful. She was here with us for birthdays and holidays. Laughing her loud laugh. Asking for more popcorn. Wanting to go on another walk. Reading to the girls on our cozy dirty couch. Wondering why in the world there’s a cat in this house.

I know everyone is so busy. So here is a free and easy way to show up for your people who have lost a loved one: Put their key dates in your calendar and call them. Here are our key dates:

My mom’s birthday: May 20

My mom’s death date: July 13

Nya’s Bday: May 20 (she turns 7 next year)

Seylah’s Bday: Dec 3rd (she just turned 8)

My parents anniversary: Jan 17th

And…Mother’s Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter - a gentle reminder we are missing our people a little extra on all of these days.

Please send me your key dates and I will call you!

Thanks for coming to Denver to be with us, Dad/Pa!

Speaking of community, I’m still finding my way here in Denver. So: Ladies, I invite you to join me for a fun and free community gathering!

THREE THINGS Free Monthly Womxn’s Meet Up! Bring 3 things you need help with and 3 things you can offer and we’ll create a new system of exchange and support together: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/three-things-free-womxns-monthly-meet-up-tickets-1100199318779?aff=oddtdtcreator

Things Seylah (age 8) Said This Month:

-Telling Nya this in the backseat - she thinks I can’t hear: “Nya. I’m President of heaven.”

-Before walking on rocks in the river, she yells out: “If I fall in, tell my story!”

-“Mommy, remember when the boat broke?”

(We rented a boat in Lake Tahoe this summer and the key broke in the ignition when the girls and I were swimming in the freezing water, floating, peeing, trying to get back to the boat swiftly floating away from us from the high winds towards the rocks. They swam so hard. We made it, but it was intense. It can be fun to be scared if you know you’re held. I held them close in the back as they fell asleep, big waves moving us towards shore as the boat guy drove us in slowly. It was beautiful, really. A good adventure? I was so calm until we got back to land. I stepped out and my legs collapsed.

-”Oh Mommy. Nya has more empathy than I do. You cry about everything.”

-Every night after bedtime, she calls me back into the room: “Mommy! Did you sing?” “Yes.” “Oh well can you sign again? Please? Bless me again. Yes, you can kiss me.” Thank you baby.

Dear Seylah,

I love you so much Seylah. I’m so proud to be your mother. You surprise me, make me laugh, make me think, make me change and grow, every day. You made us a family. You are fire and light and love and I’m just in awe of you. Thank you for choosing me.

Things Nya (age 6) Said This Month:

-While eating and really not answering me: “Stop talking! I’m savoring!”

-After she sprained her ankle: “I’m doomed!”

-“Seylah, you have a super power. Even when I scream you don’t stop reading!”

-When she sees extra special Christmas decorations driving at night: “I’m blowing my mind!”

-“Is there good protein in heaven? Can you die in heaven? I want to be alive. I don’t want to die, but I want to go to heaven because of the treats.”

All I could say was, “There’s a little bit of heaven everywhere, right here on earth. Like when I scratch your arm, like this.” And then, immediately she asks: “How does a cat get pregnant?”

-“I want to learn how to read.” (We’re really working on it baby!)

-“I want to learn how to meditate.” (The girls sometimes sit in my room as I meditate. I love it.)

Yesterday Nya was in the backseat and she had an idea: “I just wanna drive and keep driving and not know where we’re going.” So she wants to do another Unplanned Road Trip over winter break and I very much want to do that….and just keep going south.

NO GO TELL

Kids are being mean to my baby Nya, who is a light being from another planet where we are all better people.

In school, they teach the kids NO GO TELL. Tell the kid no. If they don’t stop, go away from them. If they don’t stop, tell a teacher. But what if it’s just meanness? What if she’s being left out? How do you tell a teacher that?

What is my role in this? Talk to the parents, the teacher, the therapist? You can’t talk to other people’s kids. You never know what’s up with their life outside of school. But damn. I miss my mom.

I was bullied so so hard in junior high and high school, but not first grade. I got beat up, they put egg in my hair, they wrote all over my locker, they called me so many names. I never told my parents anything! Saxon was bullied so so hard, too. And we’re both fine. Right?

There was that time in 9th grade when a bunch of girls sent me a card in an envelope with no names or return address and they each wrote out reasons why they hated me: “I hate the way you walk, I hate your clothes, I hate your smile.” All in different colored pen and handwriting. They did all that with their free time, got a stamp and mailed it to my house.

Imagine! Is there a way now to think about that as power? It’s all power, right? It’s just how it’s used? I had something that they were affected by - something they wanted? Was it that older boys liked me, even though I came to the first day of 9th grade terrified with 7 cold sores on my bottom lip and they all called me “Herpe Ho! Herpe Ho!” all year. Ha! I can laugh now. Nya can laugh now….?

How can we care for each other as we’re all inundated with all this “busyness” and the hateful bullying of our leaders? So many questions to live into.

I haven’t called my auntie Nancy since she fell the night before my mom’s funeral. She was my person and I lost her too. Now she has a cell phone and I’m going to call her and go visit her and I hope she forgives me for not being strong enough to face her, to face another loss so soon after my mom died. I hope she remembers me. I’m ashamed. I like to think I show up for my people but here I am being one of the ones who doesn’t call. I love you Nancy. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Does everyone cry everyday like I do?

Mantras for this month:

Remember: It’s not okay. And you’ll be alright.

Try to be in this place well. Try to find bliss in every impossible step. Allow time to snap and collapse like a slinky. Live life as a living thank you note. Remember there is no transformation without heat. I can have clear and appropriate boundaries so I can rest in relationships. I can decide to be an artist because it’s a beautiful way to be alive. (And yes, it’s easier to write when you have a mess in your heart.) I can take time to respond and not just react. I can trust that we all grieve and love differently. I can condemn the sin, and forgive the sinner.

I texted my cousin telling her this Thanksgiving was hard without my mom and she hit me with the YES AND. Yes, that is hard, AND focus on the love surrounding you!

So I will focus on the love. Focus on the helpers. Like all these people here in this hospital cafeteria, helping, healing, pushing wheelchairs, wiping food off faces, taking a break, waiting for results, learning how to be a caregiver, learning how to be cared for, holding hands, working, listening. And yes, watching TV on their phones whilst chewing loudly. It’s human here. And that turkey burger!

My lists are long and everywhere. We’re trying Task Board and Notes and Google tasks and Slack and and and. It’s on our list to condense and organize our lists and tasks. OMG.

But I DO know my next task: I’m going to write our new vision or our family and Three Things. I will imagine it all and bring it to life with my ancestors and my loved ones here with me. As Toni Morrison says, “You can’t have it if you can’t imagine it.”

Fun fact of the month: Our lives have improved since we got our E-Bikes - thanks rebate programs! The bike slows down time. You see so many things you don’t see in the car. Fresh air, less gas, better for our earth, and Saxon’s arms are lookin fresh! High recommend.

Unsents of the month:

To the woman in Florida who took my $45 for my haircut on Venmo because I sent it to the wrong barber and she won’t respond to me now: “Karma is real. You are what’s wrong with people. Do better.”

Thank you, Angel. You are more and more my person and I love you.

Thank you, Judy, for showing up and being in this life alongside me.

Ok, gotta go get these kids! The school just called. My heart sank into my stomach, school shooting? What happened!? No no, just the hip hop dance routine for parents will be at 4:10 instead of 4:30! Phew.

Reminder to join us Dec 10th for our Women’s Meet Up and Jan 25th for Unsent Friends Edition.

If you feel inspired to support my writing, Saxon’s work with children, my work with older adults, or all our work on Unsent, please consider supporting us and our programs at Three Things. No amount is too small. It’s giving season baby!

Thank you for being here with me. With us. What. A. Ride.

Love and boom,

B