Surprise Wedding! Today is the Day! Sad about Nya's birthday? Good Juju Request! Reliable Promises.
Joy and Sorrow Live Next to Each Other. Spider Dreams. You Can't Get Well When You're Sick. I Want to Win. No More Babies. Halting Growth. Hospital Morning Pages. The First Steps Aren't The Easiest.
Morning Pages This Morning
Before any writing it felt easier to say things in my parked car as it rained and I cried this morning after drop off:
Joy and sorrow live right next to each other
My mom’s chemo got canceled again. Another change, upheaval, shift, creating more unknowns to contend with - trying to not think about the future but also plan for it - trying to stay present and grateful for this moment, which is all we have, but also expand again and again without contracting into the kind of person who can hold both hope and reality in one heart.
Death Doula at SeriesFest
I have been spending the last 5 days at SeriesFest where I honestly did a really good job pitching my latest TV series, “The Death Doula.”
I know it went well because of how I felt on stage, it was flowing and I don’t really remember what I said but I know people were responding and feeling with me and some were crying and some were laughing. As I say, laugh-crying is my jam. I got great feedback from the panelists, but really, I know it went well because of the conversations I’ve had afterwards - with people sharing their stories of grief, loss, love, heartbreak, and yes, death.
We are really connecting. We are really feeling. I am really listening. This is what I want and long for and aim for! The irony is that I’m holding impromptu death doula sessions on the bench outside the festival after party. So. A strange combination. But yes, joy and sorrow, there they are again, side by side. The people coming up to me want to see this show. And I do too. And I’m feeling confused and disillusioned by the broken system I want to be part of - the strike is illuminating very difficult realities for everyone, especially the artists. But still.
Rites of Passage
There is usually a part of me screaming NO when I’m working on a project - like I don’t want to admit that something doesn’t feel right and I don’t trust myself to listen. But not with this project. This is different. This is completely aligned. All the chakras are saying YES. This show will help women and children, one of my original dreams, and it will combine the healing and arts industries, and my creative and producing skills, all of which has already been written in my intentions when I married myself at age 33. Yes I had a ceremony for myself and made everyone come and sit in a circle in my parent’s living room holding candles and putting blessing into seeds as we sang “This Little Light of Mine.”
I want to WIN!
That’s another story, but you can tell I’m into ceremonies and rites of passage - I’m into these little deaths we experience all the time. Our cells die every minute - AND new cells are born. I’m exploring impermanence in life and writing, and it’s heavy and beautiful. It keeps me up at night and keeps me tired during the day. Coffee! Maybe it’s the moon or hormones or my mom or my nerves around wanting to win - why do I want to win so badly? Is competition healthy in creativity? Is it just about the money? If we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves, or our art, how do the panelists choose a winner?
Good Juju Request!
Whatever the case, if you pray or dream or light candles or send blessings or chant or walk and talk with the trees, please do so today at 3:30pm MST. That’s the award ceremony where I find out if I won or not. Either way I am so grateful for this chance to begin sharing this story with the world. Either way it’s Nya’s birthday. It feels good to want this.
Wanting!
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