The Juicy Darkness

The Philippines, hot springs, birthdays, sequins, dreams, grief fatigue, hiking, mom life, dream life, creative life, signs, talking to myself, listening to her, books, Boeing and non profit launch!

Yesterday

I drove to the Korean hot springs where I hide, the one where I took my mom for a massage with Jaja, and now I only go to Jaja because she touched my mom and now she can touch me. This is communing. And yes, Jaja does play loud YouTube cheesy piano music on her phone, with long commercials for horror trailers, while she rubs me and talks loudly to her friend in Korean, who’s rubbing the naked woman on the table next to me. It is what it is.

I remember where my mom sat in the hot tub, her little body away from others to their avoid germs. Now, that is where I sit. Communing.

I spend a LOT of time crying in my parked car all over Denver. Last night, before I went in to soak, I just sat, engine on, sobbing, praying, talking to her, listening to the wise sage Tara Brach (high recommend) and asking for a sign. I didn’t think I would do this. Beg her to come back. For me. What if she doesn’t want to? She had other fish to fry besides being a mother. If she’s in the rainbow now why bother down here on this earth filled with suffering and meanness and genocide? And love. So much love. I hold onto the love when the news is all about hate.

Signs

When I came back out of the hot springs where my tears mixed with sweat and water, there was one of those Colorado pink sunsets and I finally read the sign in front of me:

I’ll take it! Noticing in real time is part of allowing her to commune with me. There are signs everywhere if I stop believing my thoughts. If I stop talking to myself, she can talk to me.

And. I am scared I will be this sad forever. 

I am overwhelmed with the need to call her and tell her everything. Still. I cannot call her. She’s still in my iPhone favorites. I still haven’t listened to any of her voicemails. I still have all her texts.

She was the only other person who knew and held all my things with me, all the memories…being a grown up without a mom is so lonely. Like, I couldn’t find my immunization records, and I couldn’t call her. She’s the only one who would know where to look. I know it’s part of the life cycle, but damn. And yes, I know it’s tiring for you, hearing so much about my grief. Compassion fatigue is real. So is grief fatigue.

But grief isn’t a problem to be solved! It’s where I am right now. I can’t control it. It’s not bad, it’s just fucking hard. This is how I’m loving and living. Life is lifing, so I am here to keep my humanness and heart on my sleeve. It’s messy and I am alive. We are alive!

The Last Few Months…

I love my time with my kids even though our mornings are impossible. Transitions, man! Put your shoes on!! 100 times, everyone gets mad, we threaten to take away treats and toys, but we don’t follow through. I hate yelling but it’s honestly the only tactic that works. We are always late for school.

I want to ask my mom how she got me out of the house, but she was already gone to work by the time my dad got me up, happily whistling his same tune every morning, flicking the lights on and off to get my grumpy ass up. I was always late for school.

I’ve been craving alone time and space but also feel incredibly lonely, like when all the other women at the hot springs are there with friends, laughing and talking about things you talk about when your mom is still alive.

Wear The Sequins!

I had two super fun birthday celebrations in LA and Denver. Lots of photos taken in LA. Only one in Denver. Hmm! I went for the sequined hot pants romper and blue cowgirl boots, after much deliberation. High recommend!

I got down low low low low low on the dancefloor and injured my piriformis (look it up!) which prompted severe sciatic nerve pain from wearing heels and flying on airplanes. I am humbled, and slowly but surely embracing my age even though I’m about as mature as a 20 year old.

Physical pain is exhausting and I panicked that I would not be working out as much as possible before getting in my new swimsuits in the Philippines. I am ashamed of being so vain in this world on fire.

I’ve removed the plastic from our house, and everything is bamboo now, because everything else causes cancer. I’m trying to go vegan and I feel so much better. Meat just grosses me out. I almost ate pizza on Friday night, cuz that’s what we do on Friday night movie night, like I did with my parents, but he made my veggie Pho and I was happy. Thank you baby.

Since December I’ve had Covid and we’ve all had strep throat 3 times. (At least it wasn’t strep-butt like Sey had when she was 1!) People just send their kids to school sick. I get it, but damn. I teach poetry to the first graders on Tuesdays and I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m always sick. But, it’s also just grief. It shows up in our bodies to halt us. My mind won’t stop, but my body will.

I’ve been going to grief yoga instead of talk therapy. Maybe I need both…who has time for all this healing?

Two young Russian men asked if I wanted to smoke a joint with them at the coffee shop after my hospice bereavement group (aka my Support Family) meet up. I declined, but I wish I hadn’t. They complimented by hoop earrings. I told them they could buy them at H&M. Fun times.

This morning, an older man at the post office said I should say “I’m pretty good, not just good, because you’re pretty.” Thanks neighbor. It all helps. 

Tara says to stop thinking and let yourself feel the feelings, but I am thinking and controlling to avoid the feelings! How can I be with this all the time? I am still afraid of the darkness and the pseudo-death that is falling asleep and the letting go that is sleep. I have always had a hard time sleeping…

Mom Life

It is easier for me to be a good mother than it is to be a good wife. Hard, but true.

In our family, we are learning how to embrace and love the juicy darkness, and not be afraid of the darkness that is inside us, the darkness that is the womb we come from, the darkness that makes us beautiful. I’ve always been attracted to the darkness, and I always beat myself up for having this internal pull. No longer. Special thanks to Zenju Earthly Manuel for these most precious, paradigm shifting and soul opening teachings. I’m in my first book study with her now and it’s everything. High recommend: Opening to Darkness - Eight Gateways for Being with the Absence of Light in Unsettling Times. This is the page we talked about last night in bed:

Nya lost her front tooth and I wanted to tell my mom. She was an overly generous tooth fairy, giving $5 to each girl and a toy. So now that’s what we do. 

My babies. My girls. They’re riding their bikes and loving it. They want to go far and get lost. I get it.

They want to climb trees and learn how to fall. I get it.

I still wonder why I won’t let myself take a dance class instead of a workout class. Just for joy. I wonder why I don’t swim or ride my bike instead of the gym. These babies know how to live! Let us learn from the children! Animals only learn from play. Play is how we learn. I love learning.

Lately, the girls want to refresh their swimming skills, try new foods, try to eat less animal products, and learn all there is to know about the Philippines. And whenever they make me play Taylor Swift in the car, I play Beyonce next. It’s all about balance!

We leave on March 22nd and I love getting ready for this trip! I am so ready. I only wish my mom could go, but this is for her, and I know how blessed we are to travel these days, even if it might be on a Boeing…

We will scatter her ashes on Mactan Island, over the warm sea on green mountains so high in the clouds. This is where she wanted to go once chemo was over. Here is what she texted Fritz, our gracious host who invited us on this trip to as a memorial for her:

“I want to go on this hike.” Sent on June 2, 2023.

Gut punch. I am so scared I will always be this sad.

Dream Life

Last night I dreamt of her. We were getting on planes. We were on bridges. We were staying up late waiting for luggage. We were advocating for my kids teacher to get a vacation in Mississippi? We were not fighting. We were not worried. She was calm and smiling in the car. I was trying to control and plan, as one does. But she wasn’t! She was helping a teenage boy with his art project while I talked to his mom about my script. She was with me. I will believe that means she is with me. 

Creative Life

If you’re age 50+ and living in Denver, you can join my first Letter Writing For Healing workshop at the Denver Public Library!

I’m in this incredible Writing Grief class at Lighthouse. I want to write a book. What a gift. It’s making me seriously consider going to grad school for an MA or MFA in Creative Writing. If you have any insights into this process, please reach out.

I did this interview with Canvas Rebel, all about how I’m playing piano again, taking risks and embracing the slow down. It’s a fun dive into my creative process and my juicy past, if you’re curious!

I love reading books. I love music and I love movies. I am so precious about these things, but it’s time to embrace creating them. This is just the beginning. And I have my mom to thank for telling me to keep writing, because writing is at the core of all I do. And you all are here with me, making it real, making it shared, and keeping it human! As Saxon is in the other room using Chat GPT to generate language, I am in my room, working hard to create my own. Here’s to our humanity!

They say no one reads books anymore. But I do!

More juiciness: As always, you can make me so happy and support my writing practice by becoming a paid subscriber here:

You can always listen to our podcast for free wherever you listen to your things. And Saxon just released a dope album on Bandcamp if you’d like to support!

Stay tuned for more on our new healing arts non-profit, Three Things! Special and sincere thanks to the incredible human, designer and artist, Nicole Beuerlein, for creating our logo! What do you think?

If you know any grant writers or potential supporters, board members or partners, please reach out! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. B

Lastly: This is the photo my dad sent me last night as I was crying in bed, from his beautiful walk in the rainy woods with Gracie…a hike my mom loved up until the end…I like to think she is up there with them…with us.

Love and boom,

B