The Overshare: I Like Loving Hard + How Do You Know I’m Not Dying?
When they asked me as a child, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I responded: “I want to see the whole world and write it all down.”
I used to travel internationally - a lot - for work and pleasure. My life was big on the outside, but felt small on the inside. I was operating with a bucket list - frantic with a checklist of things to do before I died - and the clock was ticking. And. All of those “things to do” required money. Now, I am traveling internally. My world is smaller on the outside - I travel from home to yoga to store to school to playground to park to therapy to Jaja’s house and back in a city that was never on my bucket list to visit. And my interior life is enormous. Yet sometimes I pray. Like when the clock turns 12:34 or 3:33. I take a pause. It is often a prayer for more - more clarity, more money, more work completed, more recognition, more travel, more understanding, more peace, more furniture, more health, more time, more time, more time….But if I pray long enough, if I sit long enough, I realize my ego has been doing the praying, and I am calmed by the profound truth that I have all I need - the things I desire are free now, so my prayers have already been answered. I am seeing the whole world and writing it all down, right here in my home. Then the Goddesses and I laugh and I hug my girls with tears in my eyes and it simply becomes a prayer of gratitude.
WIND STRESS
All that said, it’s too easy to forget the truth. I am profoundly stressed about everything. I am angry and I don’t know why. I am even angry at the weather - why must it be so windy for this long!? Instead of embracing that this is what nature needs right now - thus what I need - I fight it. I fight it by being mean to myself, telling myself I am not doing enough (there’s that pesky ego again). I create lists of tasks to complete without scheduling time to rest, and then get furious at myself (and those around me) when I don’t complete them. I leave no room for error when it comes to my achievements so I overachieve, then get sick. Take Nya’s birthday party as an example - I obsess about the details, stressed no one will show up next Saturday, worried she’ll think we do more for Seylah than her. Even better - gardening! I love gardening, but haven’t made the time to plant the cherry tomatoes or kale or sunflowers yet. People want thousands of dollars to build a garden box. I’m just gonna use our bare dirt. Who knows what’s in the soil? I know there might be lead in our pipes and the Brita doesn’t cut it. So much to worry about and it’s all about avoiding death…
Instead of thinking about the garden as being in process in the ongoing present, I look at it and begin to cry because I haven’t made the time to complete it, so it remains incomplete because the task feels enormously heavy under the pressure of my own self hate. I want it all to be perfect, concerned about the quality without taking care of the quantity. Same goes for the short stories, songs, scripts, videos, ideas that could be a podcast or a movie or a collaboration I haven’t pursued or a person I haven’t texted back - it all weighs on me and I just want to sleep. I have been sleeping more since I finally cut out Starbucks - y’all I’m for real going through withdrawals. It has double the caffeine as normal coffee, so yeah, headaches. My body tells me this is no way to be. I have forgotten to laugh with the Goddesses about the absurdity and beauty to be found in each moment. I forget that I am going to die by obsessing about being healthy. I know a relaxed mind is a clear mind. But I’m still terrified I’ll die if I relax.
LIFE INSURANCE
And no one wants to hear about my physical health like no one wants to hear about my dreams. But I’ve been applying for life insurance. Geez. After reviewing my test results, they needed a repeat pap smear. What a fun, simple, stress free process! Not. At the Ob Gyn, before the fun scraping inside me, I filled out the same form again, the one asking me how many live births I’ve had and how many times I’ve been pregnant, bringing up my abortion as if the past has changed (they even ask this as you’re in labor at the hospital - yeah, thank you so much for reminding me of trauma as I give birth). After the exam, the Ob Gyn directed me to the 2nd floor of the hospital to get my first mammogram. Whoa! Warm gown, boobs and face smashed against a plastic X-ray sci-fi robot machine. As I waited for my turn to get smashed, I spent a moment in the meditation room at the hospital to consider my mortality and short time on this earth. It helped.
Earlier in the week, I went to my regular doctor to get more tests done for the insurance company - again - and also ask about these headaches: persistent, painful, throbbing headaches under my eyes for a week. Is it the caffeine? Should I write on paper? Is it the mixing, looking down so much? Is it my glasses prescription? Replace my mouth guard? Working out too much/not enough? Looking at WebMD too much? Or - my personal favorite - an aneurism that could hit at any moment while I’m driving the girls home from school and we crash and die.
I asked the doctor - for real though, “How do you know I’m not dying?” No answer would help, so more bloodwork, more tests. And, drum roll - my headaches are probably stress related - and - I am pre-pre-diabetic. You must be your own advocate when it comes to health. No one is going to get curious except you. I knew this might happen after having gestational diabetes with Nya. But god damn. No: sugar, bread, pasta, sweets, soda. Yes: lots of exercise and herbs and supplements and water and and and. Still, this high blood sugar. So life is now half veggies with each meal, veggies for snacks, psyllium husk for treats, 30 minutes of exercise a day, and testing every 3 months. Ok. I can do this. But it makes me emotional.
FOOD
Food and I have had a tumultuous relationship my whole life. I avoided it to be thin from junior high on, controlling calories and exercising so much I burned muscle instead of fat in college, prompting our dorm RA to host an info session on anorexia when I told her I was thinking about not going to Italy for my year abroad because I didn’t know where the gym would be….I was in such denial I didn’t realize the info session was directed at me….
Fast forward past years of working out and not eating enough to age 36 - I got pregnant and Saxon made me butter noodles with chicken and Frosted Mini Wheats at 2am in bed with whole milk and I was 200 pounds and happier than I’d ever been, ever. And now I am eating big mouthfuls of spinach directly from the fridge as I run out the door to yoga and going to bed early to avoid getting hungry or sad or craving my usual popcorn (and maybe Nutella). I will get used to this, get some recipe books, go shopping for organic veggies more frequently, but I still feel sorry for myself today. I hope I don’t think about dying every time I eat for the rest of my life.
WHAT MY DAUGHTERS SAID:
Seylah (age 5, Sagittarius):
Note: She got into St Elizabeth’s where she starts Kindergarten in the Fall!? This summer I just want to spend all my time with her and Nya. It feels deeply significant, this phase. I will have to re-work some work deadlines to make time to do nothing with them, and get some good alone time in with Sey, who is no longer a baby but still my baby oh my goodness how I love this child.
“I’m the Queen of Denver!”
“Ok Nya. So first you’re a baby, then a toddler, then a kid, then an old kid, then a teenager, then a grown up. So you’re a toddler and I’m a kid. I can tell you how to turn the TV on.”
“Everyone in this book is bald with balls.”
“No! That’s the savory cup, not the sweet cup.”
“That was a big ass bite.”
“I’ll tell you what hypnotize is, Nya. It’s when you look in someone’s eyes and they go all swirly and then they mind control you.”
“I’m more sick than Nya is.”
“I spy with my little eye…something that is a pentagon and transparent.”
“Nya, if you come on you’ll get a treat!”
“I’m pushing my goddess button!” (belly button)
“Sorry mommy. The goddesses did it.” (the mess she made and won’t clean up)
“Shhhh. You’re interrupting my wish.”
“Ooh, I look cute!”
“I think I need to stop eating sugar for a minute.” (when she was inhaling sugar cubes at our fancy tea party).
“Are you really the tooth fairy? Is the tooth fairy real? I think you and her work together to get me what I want. I want her to write me a note back and I want $10.”
“I want a lot of money - just so I can look at it.”
“What make an African American? A caucasian? Am I an African American person?”
“Play a rock out song!” (cue Metallica)
“There’s butterflies in my vagina!” (On the swing)
“Can we watch something? Can I play on my tablet? Don’t worry mommy, we didn’t watch TV at Jaja’s, just commercials.”
“You shouldn’t work.” Why? “Because you don’t sleep!”
“You’re not a professional. You’re not on TV like Daddy.”
“Just pretend you want to race, ok Nya!”
“I don’t know you motherfucker!” (Her Jaja told her to scream this at the top of her lungs if a stranger tries to grab her in public).
“X eyes mean you’re dead.”
“Teenagers are boring, they don’t do anything, they don’t play, they’re always on their phones like zombies.”
“This is how I count to 100. Ready? One….Hundred!”
“That’s not a door it’s a portal. And that’s the asteroid belt.”
“You’re not loving on me mommy, you love her more than me. You love her more when she’s crying. She’s just doing that to be cute.”
“This song sounds better when you harmonize with it.”
“She’s looking at him like she’s gonna marry that boy. Can I marry Luzia? I had a dream I married a girl but I couldn’t see my face in the dream.”
“My spirit animal is a cheetah cuz I’m the fastest person in the family.”
“Gonna try to act normal but I don’t feel normal.” (After taking medicine for croup that makes you sleepy).
“I know you want to hike, so here’s the path, it’s not dusty so it’s good for hiking, and then here’s the Beauty Spot.” (Talking to her toys as she constructs an elaborate home on a lake with a pathway into mountains that is my dream home - all with Magna-Tiles).
Nya (age 3, Taurus)
Note: She got into Stedman for Spanish Immersion ECE 4 and hopefully will have the same teacher as Seylah did this year. Her 4th birthday party will be “Baby Shark, Paw Patrol, Dragon, Fox in Sox, Encanto, Unicorn” themed this Saturday.
“Cotton candy cow cake pop kitty cat car!” (This is what we call our car, to practice our “c” sound with her new speech teacher she tells everyone about. During her speech therapy evaluation, the therapist asks her, “Nya, do you notice sometimes people have a hard time understanding you?” Nya replies instantly, “Oh Yeah.” Then the therapist asks, “How does that make you feel?” Without hesitation, Nya responds, “Yad.” Ah, my heart. This is why she doesn’t want to go to school. She knows people are just pretending to understand her. What else do we want but to be understood, seen and heard? (I’m sorry for not realizing this sooner, Ny Ny, but we are solving the problem together, baby girl, and it won’t always be like this. I promise. I want to hear every word you say.)
“I’m a talking baby!”
“Is this song from a movie? What’s it called? What’s this song called!?”
“I like loving hard.” (When she grabs Seylah’s cheeks in both hands and lands a big kiss on her lips. Seylah is not down.)
“You know what? I can cough my fart out.”
“Mommy stay with me forever, I’m scared there’s a volcano and the floor will turn into lava.”
“Right on this instant!”
“There’s no poop in my butt or pee in my butt.”
“Look at - it’s a daddy fart shark tube!”
“Stop it. I can do it by myself.”
“I’m just here cleaning my worm. Do worms have mouths? Everything just changes. Everything is back to normal.” (Singing as she indeed cleans her big squishy worm toy in the sink).
“Mommy you’re funny and you’re not a ninja. Your office name is Baby Yoda. You’re not a DJ you’re a mommy!”
“I’m singing!!!”
“Ho Kay!” (for OK)
“Monster mouths say bad words.”
“I’m drawing! It’s wind mixed together with fireworks on my face and a unicorn and dragon on my arm.”
“You can win cuz you’re the bigger sister. I lose!”
“Are we in downtown city?”
“My teacher made me sad. She told me to put my jacket on and those are mean words.”
“I had a great day at school. Having a good day is the worst.”
“I want a dream treat.”
“I’m gonna poop on your nipples.” (To my mom OMG)
“I don’t need help I can do it by myself. When people get excited and breathe in my face it makes me sad, I don’t want people to help me it makes me sad. Don’t be excited and don’t be proud of me.”
“I see the whole world from here!” (Pronounced WHEELED)
“Mommy, I love you just the way you are.”
“I’m learning Spanish. What does Spanish mean in Spanish?”
“Mommy maybe we can talk about something in the car - that sister is the middle sister.” (she calls Mirabel from Encanto the middle sister)
“I want to eat cheese cuz I like cheese actually I don’t like cheese anymore. I only want string cheese I can open it by myself now I’m gonna throw it on the ground you made me sad cuz you tried to open it for me.”
“I want to go underwater cuz I like going underwater.”
“Chase and Marshall need to come to his rescue, they need to make him undead.”
“It’s a beautiful day.”
“I’ll wait for sister to eat my fruit roll up.”
“Look at this booger.”
“I’m so cute!”
“My sister will take care of me.” (Their love for each other at this phase is everything I wanted as a child and everything I hope they can both have for a long time. I thought for the first time that they’ll have each other when I’m gone and what a solace that will be, and how devastated and lonely I will be when my parents journey to the other side, with no siblings to share in the grief.)
What I’m Working On In Therapy:
-To notice when I resist slowing down.
-To mind the gap between what I “should do” and what I truly want to do.
-To learn how to trust myself by taking risks. Big ones.
-To stop asking what my purpose is or what I should focus on. Instead, ask how I want to feel and trust that I know my values, which are in this moment: practicing radical honesty (especially when it means myself or the other person or situation must change as a result, and embracing said change); connecting with others through writing/expression (which comes from breast milk baby don’t play!); time in nature; exploring the human experience through reading and writing; good health; serving others through honesty and art; having fun; prioritizing pleasure; taking care of myself and family; mothering with a open heart and loving presence; and modeling self love and kindness for my daughters.
-To accept that I can no longer work at this pace in this system unless I caffeinate and inebriate and I refuse to do both, so I must do less, and be ok with that. I know it’s simple, but without this Starbucks, I realized this pace I’ve kept since a child is unnatural, and I’m ready to be your hella natural organic calm relaxed friend.
-To ask: What if I go to the spa before work? I have always presumed I must punish and grind myself into the ground with work before I am allowed to feel pleasure. What if I don’t have to operate like I run a big ass farm? I can literally sleep when I’m tired. Can you imagine that? I fell asleep reading to Nya at 3:30 yesterday out of nowhere, on Seylah’s bed. It was one of the most delicious feelings I’ve ever had - to sleep for like 22 minutes - and be ready to take them to the playground to scoot and run. I got energy from rest. More of this please. Speaking of which-
-To sleep more. I never slept well. I didn’t want to miss anything. Now I feel like I’m missing out on sleep if I’m doing anything after 10pm. For real. That’s my like final bedtime.
A Suggestion:
Give yourself a break from tight pants, ladies. Its bad for your vulva - which is NOT your vagina - it is the exterior of your vagina. Words have power, and knowing your anatomy as a woman is empowering. It enables you to be your own advocate and trust your body when it comes to your health and well-being.
A Thank You Note:
Thank you. To everyone who reads this long ass newsletter. Whether you tell me or not, I see you and feel you. To those who send notes of encouragement, to those who are oversharing with me in response! What a dream come true. Nothing is more energizing. I am always learning, and remain humble, but I do think I know how to overcome the fear of sharing my truth to work through my unprocessed trauma. I do think I know how to live life’s questions out loud. Even giving myself that, taking that in, is so hard for me. Another thing to work on…
PS - Today there are 3 ways you could support this work:
1 - Share this with one friend right now!
2 - Share your “Overshare” with me. I want to hear from you. Let’s create an Overshare community!
3 - My Venmo is @babyluck if you feel called to help me manifest my dream of making money doing what I love (always getting better at writing by writing more). Meanwhile I’m asking myself some questions, aka should this remain free or shift to paid? Should it be weekly, biweekly, daily? Going on my silent retreat to soak in the hot springs and sleep in a yurt this week will help me ask myself and you the right questions. So I’ll see you on the other side!
Fun reminders to check out the video for my song with Old Man Saxon, Try Again and bump my latest Baby Luck mix (it might even have some Baby Luck songs in it ;)!
Love and Boom,
B